Thursday, May 15, 2014

The Evolution of a Flower

There once was a innocent flower who learned that life hard  lessons are meant to help you evolve  into something beautiful

MY FIRST CRUSH
My first interaction with a boy was tough I was in school and this older boy almost violated me. I remember being young and not understand what was happening and like something out of a movie scene someone came in and saved me.
I never thought about boys that much after that until I met this guy (Let's call him Skip). Skip was the first boy I actually really liked and I was a tom boy/weirdo 13 and Skip liked me back. Most  boys in my school wanted someone who they could be with sexually and at 13 I didn't even have a kiss with a boy let alone think about sex. Skip made me feel comfortable he did not pressure me into sex (right away) and he made me feel good but the thing with being a flower is someone always wants to pluck you see you bare. As I declined sex with Skip he started to get physically aggressive I never let skip take the purity of my flower and I never told anyone how he hurt me physically because it was not a big deal to me. I never let my first interactions with boys take from the idea of love something that I would eventual search for hard.


MY FIRST LOVE
Lets refer to my first love as Jackass. I was best friends with him and although I saw how he treated girls he never treated me like that,  he worked across the street from me my freshmen year in high school and he knew my mom, dudes teased me he stood up for me and no matter what I was going through he was there. As time went on our relationship grew he wanted to be with me but I was to scared so I turned him down. When I finally told him I wanted to be with him someone else caught his attention and why wouldn't she I was just suppose to be a friend and I wasn't that attractive or so I felt.
It all changed one day once I told him he would be the one to take my virginity. From that point on he pressured me everyday up until the day we actually had sex. It was my junior year and he finally got me because he told me he loved me.
Love was all the young flower needed to grow so the other girls didn't matter, because we were best friends and he loved me right? After he took my virginity that girl whom he said was just not a big deal was a big deal (his girlfriend). This led to some problems in the course of us knowing one another (I have so many stories). He made my life a living hell until I finally left DC and went to college. I went through so much with him even remember him putting me out of his house at 1am because I expressed myself. I mean I pulled a knife on him before it was crazy and I thought it was love but it was never the love the flower needed to survive. 
 He still calls and text and I still get annoyed and ignore him.  He took the innocent flower with no intentions of loving me. Mentally bruised me and physically left a open wound for the next man to deal with. 


THE BOY WITH THE ACCENT So the flower goes from being innocent to being wild and free. I met this guy lets call him the out of towner. I was a crazy bruised flower insecure scared to show anyone my battle wounds. I met this upperclassmen and we started off as friends but we had sex on an intoxicated night. How do you tell someone that they should be careful because you are a woman on edge and you will ruin there life? How do you let someone know your biggest fears? Well you don't and who wants a woman with all the baggage? No one. So..I knew it was a bad idea to keep sleeping with this guy because he could have any girl he wanted and I knew there would be other girls so why put up with it? The flower needed love to grow and after a while the sex became so good that I thought I was falling in love and I thought it was mutual but I was wrong. He had so many  girls and each one I found out about I got pissed off about that is what happens when you mess with a male whore.  I got attached, I got jealous, I got crazy. I fell in love or so I thought  now I know was lust and I snapped one night embarrassed him in front of everybody not ever remembering a what I did. I use to get pretty wasted and our connection was never the same. What could have been something so good turned in to something that made me question love.
THE EX
The tainted flower meets a New Yorker. Going through BS with "The Out of towner" I decided to explore my options. I met the New Yorker and he instantly made the tainted flower feel not so tainted. He sung to me in front of a crowded elevator, he slowed danced with me, he played have I told you I loved you by Tyrese and when we laid together we slept. As time went on intimacy grew this flower was starting to feel good and then we stopped doing anything Why? because he started messing with other girls he forgot my birthday and he has a secret girlfriend who I knew nothing about I felt betrayed but as time went on and I moved back home we began to talk again as friends. His relationship was on the rocks and he comes back to me. We said we would be friends but that didn't happen so back and forth I went to NYC to see him. I sent him money. I was there for him and every 3-4 months I would go see him. When his dad pasted I was there like I always was and he told me he loved me and I loved him. Finally the flower got her chance a real love until he said he didn't want to get into a relationship with me. Why not? He wanted to have me and other women and that was not something I was into. So I cut him off and now that we are at least on speaking terms he claims he loves me now more than before and even calls me his ex girlfriend.  I think he is a clown for calling me his ex girlfriend when all I was was a girl holding it down for a guy that didn't appreciate me this sounds familiar as this is all I ever was just a loyal sucker for love. At this point the flower had been plucked and I was beginning to feel bare

THE PASSIONATE ONE 
Eventually I ran across this 6'3 guy with tattoos dirty blonde hair blue eyes. He caught my attention right away he looked interesting. His freckles were perfect, his eyes made me melt, his smile was sweet and if I could've helped him change or he would've helped me change than may be we would be together.
 He and I began to talk and I was instantly connected to him because of his story, I felt close to him but I had no idea what I was getting myself into and I wanted to help him get over his pain change him and he wanted me to get over mine but I learned that a person can only change for themselves.
I loved that we could stay up on the phone for hours and I would fall asleep listening to him just because I couldn't be with him. I loved the way he smelled and I loved the way he kissed me. When we finally got intimate I loved the way his body felt up against mine, I loved the way he felt inside of me and I loved to lay on his bare flesh. I got wrapped up in the world of him  and I and no one else mattered but going into our relationship some chick had a pregnancy scare and already I wanted to be done with him. I stayed and it turned out it wasn't true but from there came my issues with trust. It happened before me so what I didn't care.
The arguments began to start as I started thinking he was cheating on me. He questioned me and I began to question him. Cheating was something I could not stand but he said he wasn't and just like that I believed him. I was so stupid when it came to him but it is only because I wanted to be stupid.  I mean how could he cheat on me when I was a loyal girlfriend I was there through his moods and I was there when he was angry and I was the one there during one of the darkest times in life. I was there to make him laugh to rub his head to kiss him to hold him. I was there when he thought it was OK to act like we weren't together I was there when he needed space I was there when he needed me? Cheat on me he wouldn't
I was faithful and I was loyal didn't turn my back on him because a good girlfriend stays even when shit gets tough. Well if you were in my shoes would you have stayed? If I treated him the way he treated me would he have stayed? He said he loved me I didn't believe him but some part of me loved him no matter what I told myself. You never kick someone when there down but I knew that his insecurities and my insecurities with myself would be the plaque to our relationship. He battled with his own deep issues and I knew that I just didn't know how deep they actual were our relationship crumbled and it was no more laughter only tears, only saddest only heart break. I started to hate myself even blamed myself maybe it was me maybe I was no good for him maybe if I could help him he wouldn't be so depressed but I knew deep inside in order for him to get better there could be no more of us.
I hated having to break up with the one person who I think really loved me but he was immature and not ready to deal with us. I was immature in the way I broke up with him. I cut him off like he was a piece of shit that didn't mean anything to me and for that I am an asshole. I threw us away because I knew we were no good for one another when Bitch became his favorite word and he balanced it with I love you I knew that I had to go. He dumped me so many times saying that I was to good for him and I hated that. What else could I do to show him I was there instead of holding me down he bought another chick into his bed claiming he never had sex with her but it was to much.
I was tired of yelling having someone try to dominate me dating someone I couldn't trust and I couldn't really be the woman for him if I went into the relationship damaged. He at one point said I would be the girl he married and I always thought who would want to marry me.
When I told him it was done he came around with the sad puppy dog eyes but I was strong and part of me said if he comes around during my birthday than I will give him a chance but he never did.
I always thought about him and the craziness and the love we shared. I listened to her song by MGK and burst into tears as I thought about how it reminded me of him and I. Maybe it was the toxins he filled his body with maybe it was him thinking I was to good for him or maybe he just didn't find  me good enough to change.
I use to regret not staying but I always wondered if the reasons he is doing so better was because I was no longer there.  Either way I still love you and although you took parts from me revealing my open wounds I forgive you and I hope you forgive me because I cut you out I needed to in order to change for myself. I wish that the pain we were both dealing with never existed because it was a cancer in our relationship. 

THE BLOOMIMG OF THE FLOWER
So I lay on the ground in the middle of the concrete ready to finally denigrate and fall into the earth. I no longer have any life left. How can a flower grow without love? How can a flower grow while being bare? How can a flower grow and survive in concrete? How can a flower live without water to be nurtured? How can a flower live without sun? How come in the end when I fell down into the earth I was all alone? I looked and I fought so hard for this thing called love. I was left my plucked and hurt it made me  angry  hateful  depressed but  just as I lay there in the concrete I was given life. I was showered with water and the sun shined again pulling me out of darkness. Just like that I was reconnected with the world. My past has allowed for my evolution no matter how painful it was I grew into a confident, strong, compassionate, forgiving, loving, fearless flower. A flower that started out innocent became tainted than reborn. So I learned to stop looking for love and let it come to me. This story is not the end of my journey or the full story of my evolution but it is just a excerpt.

There once was a innocent flower who learned that life lessons are meant to help you evolve into something beautiful.






This is just the beginning for an evolving flower.

3 comments:

  1. Great job cuz keep it up u a beautiful flower

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  2. This was one of the greatest things ive ever read Rashada never stop writing bro your incredible!

    ReplyDelete